Thursday, May 04, 2006

Take Away The Seats

In this recent post about Amtrak, we noted that the next thing after taking away the diners and the sleepers would be taking away the seats. Somebody from Airbus has been reading my blog, because the next thing you know, the NY Times and others are reporting about taking away the seats on airlines.

Honestly, we were only being sarcastic. We can see it all now. And we quote.

"The fifth interim president of Amtrak, appointed by President Bush after four other presidents were fired because they couldn't find a way to scrap the property fast enough, today announced that Amtrak would be removing half of the seats from its remaining long distance passenger coaches. Interim president Mohammad Al Barwipe, who just started his job on May 1 after spending six years as interim president of Islamic Call Centers of Central Surinam, Inc., stated in a sixty-page press release that he had seen the idea on a blog written by some idiot named Trains who lives in the town of New, Mexico.

"The first seats to go will be those nearest the bathrooms at the ends of the cars. This will create the potential for selling approximately double the number of tickets for that area. However, President Barwipe noted that this may also give the company the opportunity to sell premium 'bring your own table and chairs' areas. Accomodations for not more than two folding chairs and/or one Samsonite folding table per group of six people may be sold at approximately 20 percent more than the standee price.

"Al Barwipe also observed that the popularity of standing near the bathrooms while waiting to get into one that works convinced him that this was the right approach. 'Eventually, we may wipe out seats altogether and just hang a bunch of nylon straps from the walls for sleeping while standing purposes,' Barwipe said in a later interview.

"One the the three Amtrak passengers that boarded the Empire Builder last month was asked what she thought of the idea. Leda McChinsky of Utica, Minnesota, who rides regularly for her health, said she knew exactly where Mr. Barwipe could put the spare seats. 'Most of 'em smell like they been up there, anyways,' she observed.

"Asked whether Amtrak would also consider accomodating livestock in the extra space, Mr. Barwipe said he thought he would wait until this summer's Ride on the Side sales initiative that includes eliminating air conditioning on routes of less than 300 miles. 'We will have to see if this makes a dent in ticket sales first,' he was quoted as saying."

Believe me, we think it's coming. It's only a matter of time.

© 2006 - C. A. Turek -

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